Or living in Huxley's Brave New World without Soma.
Or being a Catholic priest in a world with no altar boys.
I roll over in the morning to nothing, not even Finn my teddy bear who is looking after my mum in my absence. (I hope she doesn’t try to hang him again like last time with the washing line a makeshift subsitute for gallows)
I turn to say something to her then stop to realise there‘s no-one there, no-one.
No glimpse of my mostest favourite view in the world.
I've never spent so long in someone's company. I used to work and live and travel and lunch with my ex and the only rest-bite we got from each other was when I went for a cigarette or one of us went to the bathroom for a wee, a shower or a poo.We did that for about six weeks and were at each other's throats after aboout the second week.
This was never like that, Nat and I rarely crossed words and only one real falling out even though we were essentially in solitary confinement together. I've never been so at ease in someone's company when we were just hanging out... which was all of the time. Yeah, there were times when I wasn't myself but it's crazy to think that we just found each other on the internet and have become... well; whatever it is that we've become.
I just miss her so bloody much but I'm not down in it or anything, don't worry about that. Recently, this up-until-now-funny blog has become all about Natalie, but then Thailand has been alll about Natalie. Ever since she smiled getting off her scooter. Most whiteys meet and hang around in groups but I'm so glad it was just the two of us...
I've known since I left to climb my volcanoes that she had me wrapped round her little finger, she's one of those girls that does that to men, but frankly I don't care. I just want to be with her every minute of every day.
They say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Whilst she’s been in Vietnam we’ve spent two, three or four hours a day chatting on facebook, laughing, joking, teasing and making plans.
I’ve jokingly labelled this trip as “Will’s continuing search for a wife”
If that’s true I might as well give up and go home as I’ve found the girl I want. Thing is, she don’t want me and you can’t make someone have feelings or emotions for you, especially someone as unfeeling and un-emotive as this one.
She said maybe it would be easier if she was in love with me but I'm quite self-aware; I always want what I can't have and if she was I would probably run away again.
But she’s still the best, better, Betts. No girl has had this effect on me, not when I was at college, not even that someone more recently nor even Brighton grrrl. There’s something special about this one… Any argument, any misdemeanour - all she needs to do is smile, the sun it peaks through the clouds, my heart melts and she is instantly forgiven. I’ve never wanted to rip the clothes off someone every time I look at them nor take so many pictures of them in the shower.
As can be found published on the net here...
http://www.lemonparty.org
Tee-hee.
Bad Will!
TAKE A PINCH OF BLACK MAN
Take a ten year relationship and condense it like melanin-tainted Chinese tinned milk into 3 months. The excitement, The flirting, The chase, The danger. The timid steps towards sex. The sex. The ex. The over-analysis, The L-word. The no sex. The jealousy. The paranoia. The sex. The goodbye. The pining.
Did I fall in love with her to avoid being on my own? Will I fall like this again? Yup. Probably, and quicker than I know or dare I say it quicker than Natalie would like. Don’t be surprised baby if I’m over you in a week ;)
So, I’m back at square one, I ran away from London as I had to save my skin, I didn’t want to watch my ex find someone to replace me from a mile up the road. I ran away from Brighton to not get caught in the same trap and ended up in Thailand - a bottomless spiked-pit trap of love and mistakes. Not that Natalie’s bottomless, quite the opposite!
I'll stop pining for her soon and this blog may get back to being funny again when I've got her out of my system and we get back to being friends with benefits.
I think I’m not built for being alone, I’m a superhero who needs his sidekick, a comedian who needs his foil, an artist who needs his muse. Malheuresement, Natty is not my muse… she doesn’t inspire creativity in me in any way, I’ll actually go so far as saying that she saps it. Look at the sombre, downward spiral this blog has taken, for instance.
Where has my comedy writing mojo gone?
Why so serious?
We need sombreros and moustaches, not sombre moments.
No comments:
Post a Comment