Turning onto the main road at a speed of approximately 30km/h, Graham in the lead I hit the sand and skidded. Down I went. I can’t remember much, I think through shock, but I do remember lying there unable to move. I recall Graham shouting “fuck… Will!” or similar and then I got up to brush myself off and get back on the bike. But the only place I was going was the hospital…. in an ambulance. Blood was coming from my arms, knees, feet, toes, face, forehead. However it was also pouring from my hands. Not like a dripping tap but when that drip becomes a steady, constant trickle. I assured Graham and the police (as fortunately it happened directly outside the police box) that I was ok.
He assured me I was pretty fucking far from ok.
Picking the bulk of almost written-off, Hulk smashed bike from the floor, he made me look in the mirror. Oh Shit. I’d used my face as brake-pads.
This was not good at all.
Next Graham pointed out my left big toe… or lack of it. Most of the road was in the hole it used to inhabit and most of it now decorated the road. The ambulance arrived very quickly and got me to the hospital where I bullied them into giving me morphine. For some reason they injected this elixir of Morpheus directly into the bone of my left big toe and I nearly knocked out a doctor with my opposing leg… I had brought sterile needles with me but they were in the bungalow; I didn’t care, I just wanted the worst pain of my life to stop.
When I had calmed down a bit, I made the call I had to make. I was a mess and I needed help and Graham had fucked off as he didn’t want to talk to the cops. Fair enough. Natalie answered after a few rings to take that dreaded phone call., probably one of the worst phone calls you can receive as details will always be sketchy. I don’t really remember it but I was a mess, crying like a six year old girl and in a lot of pain. Nat phoned her parents, I guess out of sheer panic and for advice. I think they must have told her to come and be with me as that’s all she could do.
And that’s what she did. Within ten minutes she was there and as she walked into the operating room I burst into tears again. She squeezed my hand tight and looked away from my toe as if she’d just identified a relative in a body bag. When they had put me back together again they gave me two sets of pills for the pain and antibiotics. It was difficult staying awake in the cab following Natty home and I slept the morphine off for most of the next day.
My jaw wasn’t broken as I thought, though its still giving me jip and feels like I’ve gone a few rounds with Ricky Hatton. Both my wrists are sprained, though I actually think the left one is broken as I recognise the symptoms from years of skateboard abuse. I can’t lift anything with that hand so travelling with my 60lb rucksack is gonna be fun! I’ve haad artificial skin grafted to my face and arms as they say it was the only way that it might heal without scarring. Now its off, my face is fine, I’ve big dent iin my nose and the scar on my wrist I can wear my fake Rolex over - the one with “real diamonds - only ten pounds” I bought in Turkey.
Every day for the next two weeks I had to go to the most expensive hospital on the island, possibly the planet. But boy do they look after you. No waiting, no reprimands if you’re late and the most emphatic nurses you could wish to meet. Natty took me the first few times then just as it neared the time that Nat’s friends arrived the heavens opened and continued getting wider for over a week and I had to drive myself there. Catching me tie a Tesco Lotus bag around my foot to stop it getting wet and infected, my favourite nurse gave me a pair of moon-boots. Pleading poverty every time I was there got me free moon-boots, iodene and a sutra lesson so I could dress my gash myself.
About two days later Katie and Nick arrived and I had to get back on the proverbial horse to take Nat to the airport to pick them up and bring them back in a cab. They were very quiet that day but that’s fair enough, they were jetlagged from their two flights. They were quiet the next day, and every subsequent day after that until they left. Ok, it did rain torrentially every day they were there (almost as if they brought dark clouds with them)but everything we showed them they seemed completely underwhelmed by. Night Markets, street food, ladyboy shows, waterfalls, tigers, elephants, Muai Thai fights and great food in restaurants in the village and Chaweng. Katie actually fell asleep at the techno-fuelled kickboxing match and in our favourite flooded restaurant. We were worried that they were having a good time, but they assured us they were having a great holiday. Again I’m sorry it rained, but then again some people are only happy when it rains… only happy when it’s complicated… Speaking of which…
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