P.Y.T.

(Not sure who this bit is for… You dear reader, me cos getting things down on paper helps my head from spinning or maybe for even Natalie… Perhaps its stuff I can’t say to her out loud? Skip this bit if you want, it’s pretty boring; her comments are, as ever, in pink)

A couple of friends say that its really good that she gets to write on this blog, and it says something about our relationship, I think it's important to communicate how you're feeling, especially to a partner, so you know what each other are thinking and don't spend years pulling in opposite directions... Don't you?

Another reason I couldn’t ever really be with her is that she is just so gad-damned pretty. In one way she’s kinda funny looking but by the same token I believe she’s one of the nine Seraphim. I can't explain it; she's not classically gorgeous - far from it, yet to me, she is perfection personified. The phrase "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" I had until now reserved for people who end up with ugly girlfriends, but now I can see that it's true. The thing is she attracts attention from virtually every male that she passes. Thai and Farang. I imagine that’s cool if said female’s body, heart and soul belongs to you, and you trust them implicitly but if there’s a shadow of doubt, (and remember she cheated with me) that’s when the green-eyed-monster appears. I’ve never been the jealous type before but jealousy and obsession seem to follow this girl around like a bad smell. I think I’ve actually nipped it just in time, before I became totally consumed by it, though I think Natalie may disagree.

Especially since the time she walked into our bedroom with me holding her phone in my hand. I know she thinks I was going through it checking up on her and I can see that the primary evidence stacks against me but I don’t touch other people’s things and simply wanted the opportunity to sarcastically say “You’re boyfriend called” to let her know I knew they were still speaking. I know the answer to your next question… Yes; if it had rung I probably would have answered it. I didn’t have time to see if there was, but Natty insisted there was no missed call, no text, no beep. She volunteered that we could check her phone if I liked, why would someone say that unless… One of two things happened either I was imagining things… or the missed call/text was deleted by her before she offered to check it. Anyway it was stupid to even do anything, I should have let it lie.


YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF, YOU DO.
AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY HURTS

To try to help someone that you care for so much but (because they know they’re doing wrong) they don’t listen, get defensive and hide what they are doing really hurts. I’ve now realised that she actually brings this upon herself. I only want the best for her (because she‘s SUPER DUUPPPERR) and the best for her is getting this prat out of her life before she wakes up and realises she’s wasted it with him. But I don’t think she will be able to resist getting in touch or meeting him and then she will be back within his clutches… and I’ll never see her again. At the moment she makes excuse after excuse for him, and the guy she spent hours badmouthing to me, the guy that she left in another country for however many months, the guy she did the right thing and got rid of, the guy who emotionally blackmails her with suicide and that threatened her with violence, pretended he had leukimia and meningitis to cut her trips short and generally treated her like shit has become some kind of wronged saint. I understand that he’s clinically depressed but then working in a call centre for the Halifax does that to people. The only way to stop this continuing circle of pain is by severing ties (or severing toes in my case!) altogether. The only way. Trust me, I learnt the hard way.

Now we all know that I need to obsess over something, usually a girl, but I must stop defining myself by that feeling. And probably by lyrics too. I ran away from the hideous situation with my ex-girlfriend in London (and also to stop another from occuring in Brighton!) to come away and… well I still don’t know. But from now on I’m going to do it on my own. I love Natalie and would sell my soul to the devil for her to be mine but from now on I will not attempt to replace what I had in London (or very fucking fleetingly Brighton) with someone in another city, town, continent or island.

Unless they’re beautiful, have loaded parents and that country is Monaco.

I’ve met two of the most beautiful girls in the world this year and after a short while with both have REALISED NATALIE IS THE BETTER OF THE TWO.

Now the question I've been asking myself is: Are those two meetings just sheer serendipitous co-incidence or is it a direct result of desperately trying to fill a void.

I know the answer… do you?