THE ROAD TO NOWHERE

One day we drove our hire-car to Hacienda Heights to see a camper van, only for the vendor to shout across his lawn that he’d just sold it ten minutes before. We didn’t like his tone.

All the while Denzel, I mean Morris was leaving aggravated voicemails for us. Another day we drove to meet Tom who was selling a great 23 foot RV. We really liked it and promised to come back in the morning to take it to a mechanic. Despite being assured we had first refusal he rang the next day to inform us that his wife had sold it that morning without his knowledge. Thanks a bunch Tom’s wife. If she can sell your car behind your back I suggest you check to see who she’s fucking behind your back, Tom. Back-stabbing, cock-hungry, on-all-fours, arse-in-the-air, sperm-gargling, money-grabbing Jezebel whore.

One day we drove to Lancaster, eighty miles away to see an RV that the owner informed us was out of petrol and wouldn’t start when we got there. Complete fucking waste of a day, still staying at Lisa’s house in Hollywood was cool. Lisa used to work in film and TV fashion but had given it all up aged 35 to retrain as a radiographer. She looked after us, letting us sleep in when she was out at early morning lectures or jogging and even took up my new jeans. What a star!

After two days at hers, we needed to find somewhere else to live. Preferably rent-free!

And that’s when Leon entered our lives, or we entered his; crashing at his flat and never leaving! At first we found him pretty strange, but realised he was just nervous. His real name was Leon yet his couch surfing name said Robert Patterson, who it turns out is the vampire in Twilight. Leon took us to a Thai restaurant on the second night where he started to dance like a robot, listening to Electro-pop from 1984.

Leon has been married twice, once for $10,000 to marry someone for a visa (the fake wife) and once for love (the real wife) We slept late and crashed early at his, all this walking round LA looking for an RV and jumpers with Canada Geese on was exhausting.

Then one day we went to see a van on Crenshaw, in da ghetto. It was huge, silver/grey and visible from space. As we were viewing it a car full of Mexicans screeched to a halt and offered to buy it for $3000 cash there and then. We were not sure if it was a plant. Natalie drove it like she was the one caught in headlights and we went away to consider our options.

After a day at HSBC and Western Union we travelled on the bus to meet Michael to give him the thirty-two hundred bucks for the beast. He said we were braver than him travelling on the bus to the hood, especially carrying $3,200. Michael did all the paperwork, some of which I swear is dodgy but it was fine. We drove away in our new home, our house on wheels and straight up the 101 to North Hollywood to see my friend Will from Bristol.