BUFFALO STANCE

I shall now commence the writing of the blog…

Are you sitting comfortably?

Then I shall login…

Yesterday driving on the north New York interstate the car in front of us swerved slightly to avoid what we thought was a black plastic bag… Only this black plastic bag had fallen off a truck and was made of metal. The car hit what looked like an axel and veered violently into the middle of the road. Wheels locked in a skid the driver battled as the car deviated left and right across the lanes. From out of nowhere, behind us another car screeched as it’s driver wrestled with the steering wheel to avoid a seventy mile an hour, sure-fatal crash. I expected that one or both vehicles would flip, like in the movies or a Grand Theft Auto type videogame. Feet from us one car came to a halt on the left hard shoulder while Natalie did well and slowed us to a stop behind the second car on the right shoulder. I scrambled into action to go see if everyone was alive. I’ve never met Natalie’s mother and after the event realised I never need to. “Put the hazard lights on” I screamed as I exited the door… “Remember we can make them a cup of tea” she shouted after me.

Everyone was alright; all three girls in the car that hit whatever fell off the truck and the single female occupant of the second car. Shaken and stirred, but alive and injury-free. Once we had ascertained this we had to scarper before the rozzers arrived as our insurance had run out days earlier. A lucky escape from jail and with our lives.

We’re currently sat in a Flying J’s truck stop near Buffalo. We miss meals in favour of sharing an $8.50 shower. Like when you become a parent, priorities change.

It’s snowing again outside, better than snowing inside I suppose… Why would anyone choose to live here, when they can live in Africa? Guess I’ve answered my own question there... Choice. That said there can be too much choice…

The waitress just asked a fella at the next table if he would like baked potato, loaded baked potato, mash potato, loaded mash potato, cheddar cheese mash potato, Swiss cheese mash potato, American cheese mash potato, bacon mash potato, sour-crème mash potato or fries?

His answer?

“Fries”

Natalie is writing her blog as I write this, she’s well ahead of me chronologically but that’s cos she constructs sentences like “We did some good shopping” Anyway, she just asked me the name of the security guard in New Jersey who said we could stay in his car park

“Patel” I informed her…

“Was he Mexican?” she asked.

Bless.

She also has her own words for things…

Oars she calls “rowing sticks”, mercury is “the metal that’s in temperature” and human arms she refers to as “front legs”

I’ve just been to the bathroom and had the worst poorly-poo of my life. When I stood up to wipe, I had to lean backwards, keeping my knees slightly bent so as not to stain my jeans or boxers with brown bum drips. Last time I drink four litres of Coca Cola refills, even if they are free.

Thinking about it, it could have been those jalapenos I had for breakfast.

I’ve just looked through my first aid kit, but there’s not much there… does anyone know if applying superglue to a burst rectum stops dihorrea?