HONG KONG - SINGAPORE

After missing both my flights HK-SING and SING-BKK - don't ask, but needless to say a heavy night on the local beer was to blame, I managed to sweet-talk the girl on the Singapore Airlines desk into getting me onto the next flight to Singapore...

I thanked her profusely but what I meant to say and what came out were two entirely different things. "You could teach a thing or two to Virgin" became lost in translation at that time of night and she thought in the very least I was at least calling her promiscuous, if not a messy slag. What I meant was Singapore Airlines could teach a thing or two to Virgin Airli... Oh bollocks, I decided that explaining would only make things worse so bowed my head and walked on to my free flight. She was a messy slag though.

I arrived at Changi airport around midnight and realised I didn't want to spend any more time there than I already have in my life, so sweet-talked another Singaporean Airlines girl into getting me on the 16.30. Ahh, a night in Sinagpore, land of ex-pats, high-flyers, fashion, Raffles Hotel and gin slings.

Swerving to avoid the stray dogs, my cab pulled up in the red-light district at around 01.00 After a shower I went out to see what other palefaces I could find. Polish sailors, err, no thanks... I declined a beer and walked on. Sidling up to two yanks, I joined them for a Tiger beer. Ryan was my age and looked sensible enough but Joey was one of these young, brash American types who opened proceedings with "you English would all be speaking German if it wasn't for us" (insert your own Ostrich Media joke here!)

As Ryan quickly pointed out, Joey had met his match...
Taking the piss or "ballmunching" me on British sit-coms was probably not his best move!

Then they told me what they were doing there. Joey was the World's number one competitive eater - "yeah right" I thought for the next hour while they discussed his training techniques and his arch-nemesis; the blue-haired, Japanese Kobiyashi. Then Ryan pulled up Joey's wikipedia page on his phone and it was all true. Check for yourself - Joey "Jaws" Chestnut. His blue-eyed all-American features belied the wobble that was only visible when he stood up to "take a leak"

59 hot-dogs in 10 minutes, tying with Kobiashi.
Joey went on to win the 5-bun eat-off by demolishing them in 45 seconds to take the crown.

Just take a look at the list - 8.8 pounds of asparagus tempura, 103 hamburgers in 8 mins, 241 chicken wings, where were all the crazy adventures I planned on writing about? One hour in Singapore and I had enough for a whole book!

Then on to Bangkok.

The Khoa San Road is like arriving into Shepherd's Bush. Apart from the elephants. This is where everyone stays. I found a guesthouse while it was still light then headed out. On the first night I met Lindsey, from Newcastle... The second Lee, a Man Utd fan from Birmingham. He was cool, coming up with my fave black country quote on the Khoa San Road upon seeing said baby elephant "Will, what the fuck is that? Is it a camel?" We met up quite a bit when he wasn't off shagging prostitutes. Silly boy.

Now I've come to realise something about me... I'm not gonna judge Lee or anyone else (every other male out here it seems) who goes with a whore but I've only just worked out why I never would - Apart from the sheer miles of cock that these girls must have gotten through in their time, and Lee's comment about probably having already caught AIDS something I didn't know about me hit me earlier at the airport...

I saw an English guy at the next check-in desk to me looking smug, you know, just generally smug, like someone who works in TV ;) Anyway, he had a Thai girlfriend/wife with him and I thought "what have you got to be smug about - you're so uncharismatic that you had to buy a wife" That is the reason that I will never pay for sex. Seems my moral compass points firmly north. Well done me.

After three nights on the booze, mainly with Lee and meeting other randoms (including the most beautiful girl from Bishopston where I'm from in Bristol but she was too young and crazy - Lee and I couldn't be arsed with her and her mates) the Delhi Belly finally hit me.

In my hotel room I was hallucinating, if I moved I vomited or worse, was sick out of my bottom. My head pounded, everything was a bit overwhelming and it seemed like I was having my 19th nervous breakdown. The room was spinning and I wanted my mummy. If there was a phone in the room I would have poured a bottle of gin over it.

Welll two days on and I ashamedly had some fries from Burger King, feeling much better now and will head down south to the islands or Phuket as my dear, concerned friend from the south coast suggested this would be better...

Well thats all for now folks, loads more to say but... I've run out of coins, but be sure to tune in for the next exciting episode of my travels. You really would have thought that I'd have known that Thailand used to be called Siam, wouldn't you... Ho Hum you live and learn.